First published:
After decades together, losing a husband, wife or partner can change almost every part of daily life. Their absence can be felt in hundreds of small moments.
Perhaps their usual chair is empty at breakfast. Cooking for one feels unfamiliar after years of preparing meals together. Even an ordinary evening can feel different when the person who shared it is no longer there.
Grief can also come with practical changes. You may be adjusting to living alone or managing tasks your partner once took care of. Changes to your own health or mobility can make this adjustment harder.
There is no correct way to experience grief. Understanding how to cope with grief can help you through difficult days. In time, familiar routines, relationships and activities may begin to bring comfort again.
Grief can happen at any age. However, later life can bring several losses and changes within a relatively short period. Friends, siblings and other relatives may die too. Retirement, changes in health or reduced mobility can also affect familiar routines and social connections.
This accumulation of change can make dealing with grief particularly difficult. You may be grieving one person while also adjusting to other changes in your life.
At Rotherwood, we’ve supported residents through the loss of husbands, wives, partners, siblings and lifelong friends.
We’ve seen that grief can look very different from one person to another. People sometimes talk about grief as though it follows a predictable path. In reality, it rarely works that way.
You might feel deeply sad one day and relatively positive the next. A song, photograph or familiar place might unexpectedly bring memories flooding back. Other people experience anger, guilt, relief or even numbness. Some want to talk about the person they’ve lost. Others need more time before they feel ready. There is no timetable you should be following.
Grief can also return when you least expect it. Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas can be particularly difficult, but so can reaching for their usual mug in the cupboard. Even an ordinary trip to the supermarket can bring back a shared memory.
These experiences don’t mean you’re going backwards. They are part of adjusting to life after losing someone important to you.
Anger can be a natural part of grief. You might feel angry with doctors, family members or even the person who died. You may resent other people’s lives carrying on when yours has changed so dramatically.
Sometimes, there is no obvious reason for the anger at all. These feelings can be unsettling, but they don’t mean you loved the person any less. Talking to someone you trust can help you understand and manage what you’re feeling.
Relief can be one of the more difficult emotions to experience after someone dies. This can happen after a long illness or a period of increasing care needs.
You may feel relieved that the person is no longer suffering. You might also feel relief that the worry and responsibility of caring for them have ended. That feeling can sometimes be followed by guilt. Relief doesn’t mean you loved or cared for the person any less.
Grief isn’t purely emotional. It can affect how you feel physically and how you manage everyday life.
You may notice changes to your sleep, appetite or energy levels. Concentrating can become difficult, and things that once felt straightforward may require more effort.
Some people become less interested in activities they previously enjoyed. Others stop going out because attending somewhere alone feels too difficult. Losing a partner can also make loneliness more noticeable. This can be particularly difficult if you spent most days together.
For some people, these changes gradually become easier to manage. Others may find they need additional support.
Our care teams often notice these changes first, such as when a resident is skipping meals or withdrawing from activities they used to enjoy. Those opportunities can be used to gently start a conversation with them.
There isn’t one approach to coping with grief that works for everyone.
Small, manageable steps can sometimes make everyday life feel a little easier. Maintaining some familiar routines can provide structure. That might mean continuing your morning walk or meeting a friend for Thursday coffee.
You might continue tending the garden you created together. Residents often tell us gardening is one of the most grounding things they can do after a loss. Perhaps you’ll cook one of your partner’s favourite meals for your family. Remembering someone can also be comforting. Looking through photographs, listening to favourite music or talking about shared memories can keep that connection alive.
Physical activity can help support your wellbeing too. This doesn’t have to mean strenuous exercise. Walking, gentle exercise or simply spending time outdoors can add structure to the day.
Most importantly, try not to judge yourself against someone else’s experience. What helps one person may not be right for another.
Losing someone can affect your social life in ways you hadn’t expected.
If you and your partner socialised as a couple, attending the same gatherings alone may initially feel uncomfortable. Some friendships may also change.
It can be tempting to withdraw, particularly during the early stages of grief. However, regular contact with other people can become an important source of support. Start with whatever feels manageable.
In our homes, residents often find that joining a shared activity becomes a source of unexpected new friendships. The activity itself doesn’t need to be significant. Regular phone calls with family can make a difference too. Sometimes, simply having someone to talk to over a cup of tea matters.
When you’ve shared your life with someone for many years, everyday routines often belong to both of you.
Losing them can mean learning to do familiar things differently.
Perhaps your partner always did the weekly shop, drove when you went out or managed household bills. You may now be doing these things yourself or asking someone else for help. Even cooking for one can take time to get used to.
You don’t need to change everything at once. Keeping some familiar routines can provide comfort while you gradually establish a different rhythm to your week.
Some traditions may remain important too. You might continue cooking lunch or visiting a favourite place. The tradition can continue, even if the people you share it with change.
New routines can develop gradually alongside familiar ones. Over time, everyday life may begin to feel more manageable and familiar again.
When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to make things better. Often, simply being there is more helpful than trying to find the perfect words. Let them talk about the person who died if they want to. Don’t worry about mentioning their name or bringing back memories.
Practical support can also make a difference. Perhaps Sunday lunch becomes particularly lonely after losing a partner. Inviting your parent to eat with you could give them something regular to look forward to.
You might offer to accompany them on their first visit back to a favourite café. A weekly walk together could provide company without putting pressure on them to talk.
Try to follow their lead. Some people appreciate frequent company, while others need more time alone. What matters is making sure they know you’re still there.
Grief doesn’t always look like sadness. Some people cry frequently, while others rarely cry at all.
An older person may become quieter, focus on practical tasks or continue with familiar routines. They may even appear to be coping surprisingly well.
This doesn’t mean the relationship mattered any less. Some people express grief privately, while others may have begun grieving before the death following a long illness. Feelings can also emerge weeks or months later.
Try not to judge someone’s grief by how you expect it to look. There is no single outward sign that tells you how deeply someone is grieving.
Grief can remain painful for a long time. There isn’t a set point when someone should have “moved on”.
However, additional support may be helpful when grief is making everyday life increasingly difficult. Someone may be struggling to eat, sleep or look after themselves. They might become very isolated or lose interest in almost everything around them.
Sometimes, grief remains intensely painful and makes it difficult to adjust to life after a loss. This is sometimes called complicated grief, although you may also hear the term prolonged grief disorder. Someone may experience intense longing for the person who died or find that grief continues to disrupt everyday life.
If you’re concerned about yourself or someone you love, speak to a GP or another healthcare professional. They can help you understand what support may be appropriate.
Bereavement organisations, such as Cruse Bereavement Support, and counselling services can also provide a safe place to talk. Seeking support doesn’t mean you’re grieving incorrectly. Sometimes having someone outside your immediate family to talk to can simply make things easier.
People often wonder how to get over grief or how to overcome grief.
But “getting over” someone you loved may not be the most helpful way to think about bereavement. The person you’ve lost remains part of your life story.
Over time, many people find that their relationship with grief changes. Painful memories may gradually sit alongside happier ones. There may still be difficult days. There can also be days filled with friendship, laughter and enjoyment.
Learning how to manage grief isn’t about forgetting. It’s about gradually finding a way to continue living while carrying that person’s memory with you.
Moving into a care home doesn’t remove grief.
However, companionship and everyday routines can provide valuable support following a bereavement. At Rotherwood Healthcare, we take time to understand the person behind the care needs. That includes the relationships and experiences that have shaped their life.
For one resident, remembering a partner might mean listening to songs they danced to together. Another might enjoy looking through wedding photographs with family. Daily life also provides opportunities to connect with other people.
There might be a visiting singer one afternoon and gardening the next. Residents can enjoy crafts, baking, gentle exercise or simply sharing tea and conversation. Not everyone wants to join every activity, and they shouldn’t have to. Sometimes a newspaper, favourite music or quiet time in the garden is exactly what’s needed.
The important thing is having choice, companionship and support when you want it.
Grief doesn’t have a finish line.
Nor is there one correct way to find your way through it.
Some days may feel manageable, while others can bring memories unexpectedly close. Gradually, familiar routines, relationships and new experiences can begin to find their place alongside the loss.
If someone you love is dealing with grief in later life, regular companionship can make a meaningful difference. Sometimes that’s a conversation. Sometimes it’s Sunday lunch, a walk or simply sitting together.
At Rotherwood Healthcare, we believe those everyday connections matter. Our teams take time to understand each resident’s story and the people who remain an important part of it.
There isn’t one approach that works for everyone. Many people find that small, manageable steps help, such as keeping some familiar routines, staying in regular contact with family and friends, spending time outdoors or remembering the person through photographs, music and shared memories. Try not to judge yourself against someone else’s experience.
There is no set timetable for grief. Some days may feel manageable, while others can bring memories unexpectedly close, even years later. Over time, many people find that their relationship with grief changes and that painful memories gradually sit alongside happier ones.
Yes. Grief can remain painful for a long time, and there isn’t a point at which someone should have “moved on”. However, if grief is making everyday life increasingly difficult, or someone is struggling to eat, sleep or look after themselves, it’s worth speaking to a GP or another healthcare professional about the support available.
Often, simply being there is more helpful than trying to find the perfect words. Let them talk about the person who died and don’t worry about mentioning their name. Practical support can also make a difference, such as inviting them for Sunday lunch, accompanying them on a first visit back to a favourite café or arranging a weekly walk together. Try to follow their lead, as some people appreciate frequent company while others need more time alone.
Grief isn’t purely emotional. You may notice changes to your sleep, appetite or energy levels, and concentrating can become more difficult. Some people also lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed. If these changes continue or become difficult to manage, speak to a GP or another healthcare professional.
